वो शाम

मंद-मंद बयार बह रही थी, चंद बारिश की बूंदों को अपने अन्दर सम्मलित किये। 
एक हाथ में चाय का प्याला लिए, पहुँच गये हम इस मनोरम दृश्य का लुफ्त उठाने।
हवा के ये झोंके हमारे बदन को स्पर्श कर, हमें हमारे अस्तितित्व का एहसास दिला रहे थे।
और हम अपनी दोनों बाहें खोल इस संपूर्ण एहसास को अपने अन्दर बटोर लेना चाहते थे,
यह जानते हुए कि हमारा ये वजूद भौतिक तो है परन्तु वास्तविक नहीं।
वास्तविकता की खोज हमें पहुँचा गयी उन बीते लम्हों में जो थे तो सुखद, पर थे बस छलावे।
होठों पर एक चिर-परिचित मुस्कान आ गयी, शायद बेबसता की निशानी रही होगी।
और तभी बारिश की एक अदनी सी बूँद हमें वर्तमान से अवगत करा गयी।
प्रश्न फिर वही था "मैं कौन हूँ ? "।
सूर्य-पृथ्वी के संगम का वह अविस्मरनीय दृश्य हमारे मानस पटल पर एक छाप छोर गया था।

 

                        LET IT GO (Before my college life)

3 years 91 days, yes that was my age when i left my home or more precisely i was forced to leave to pursue better education (education bullshit!), to live a quality life. That was tough, indeed a very tough decision taken by my father as there was neither a good school nor a good lifestyle in my home town.

It was very painful, both mentally and emotionally, to be away from my mother, my dear-ones at such a tender age. I was heart-broken and emotionally-shattered. Patna appeared a whole different planet to me which further added to my woes (as i belonged to a very remote village). Everything appeared scary, be it the fast moving vehicles or my strict english teacher. Things were hollowing me from inside. My confidence, my brute, my childishness, my extroversion, my wildness, everything that made me 'ME' kept shrinking. I started to suffer from identity crisis and inferiority complex. And this dumbness of mine was misunderstood as my obedience and serenity. I felt like weeping for hours but I didn't as it was of no use, my tears could never have brought me back to  my village. The flashbacks of my village, my mother, my sister continued to haunt me. My mausi (Did I mention that I was living with my mausi in Patna? Kind of adopted son.), who was more closer to me than anyone else over there, kept telling me that "You have to LET IT GO". How could I? I mean how a 3 year kid could think of anyone else other than his mother at the time when he needed her most. But there was no option either.

LET IT GO. 3 words that defined my life not once, not twice but on numerous occasions(Or should I say at numerous misfortunes).

And to 'LET SOMETHING GO' becomes even more tougher when you are as emotional as me. I mean, I love everything of mine and I can't afford to loose any of those, be it a book or a pair of scissors. I mentioned these as they are in front of me now. Moreover I don't calculate losses in term of its price tag but in term of the emotions and memories attached with it. I can recall missing my meals when i lost one of my comics. Did I ever mention that I love reading comics? They are just amazing. I have a huge collection of comics, Nanhey Samrat and novels. Oops! I am deviating from the topic.

1999, Beginning of my hostel life as a Kindergarten kid in Junior Residential Section of Sainik School Tilaiya. It's un-imaginably tough for a 5 and half years old kid to lead a hostel life (and even tougher for bed wetters. Yup I were a bed wetter until i were 7 or 8) but it weren't for me because by that time my senses, happiness, cheerfulness, or I should  say every good feeling/experience/stimuli of mine had gone numb. I were like a  robot filled with fear, sadness and lack of confidence. I remained in Sainik School till 2009 but my 'state' didn't change much except for my physical appearance. I performed there decently, won quite a few scholarship exams, cleared National Science Olympiad, improved my oratory skills. All in all I did things which my relatives could boast of, things which made my parents believe that I am on a right track. But if you ask me what I gained in those 10 years? My answer is Nothing except regrets. Regret for what? I don't know. May be for loosing my childhood, or loosing myself, or loosing my emotions, i really don't know. And when I mentioned all these in front of someone, guess what he repeated those 3 toughest/ugliest words: LET IT GO.

How could I? I mean, you are robbed of your life, your identity and when you question this act, you are replied: LET IT GO.

Things changed, I went to KOTA. For the first time I was free from any surveillance and that resulted into doing things I should never have done i.e bunking classes (I never attended even 30% of my classes). So I ended up being in IIITM (despite so much insincerity i secured AIR 7131 in JEE). The frustration of not making into IITs resulted into some nasty conversation with my seniors, doing some other things that I regret most till date. But slowly things started to smoothen up.

So finally after 15 years I am returning back to being ME. For once again I am trying to be the same kid what I was on or before 17th Feb 1996.

To be continued..